We had to be at the hospital around 5:00 this morning even though my surgery was set for 7:15. I made sure to pack the book I'd been reading for the waiting room. The book Empty Arms was written by a woman who experienced a loss during pregnancy, and her words were very comforting to me. I had received this book and the book I'll Hold You in Heaven in the mail from Kevin Hamm, the pastor of Gardendale First Baptist Church. Jameson and I are not members at GFBC, so I was really touched that he would reach out to us in such genuine concern. He had also sent us a handwritten letter of encouragement and called to pray with us over the phone earlier this week. I continued reading the book in the waiting room to calm my spirit and prepare me for the next step.
When they called us back, I changed into the hospital gown and stretched out on the gurney. Jameson held my hand until the surgical nurses came to take me to the OR. They began to give me the anesthesia and told me I might get a metal taste in my mouth. In what seemed like the very next instant, I was waking up in the recovery room. It was as if no time had elapsed whatsoever. I was truly thankful to have no memory or awareness of anything that happened.
Every medical professional at St. Vincent's was so incredibly kind and gracious to us. They made the experience as easy as possible. They kept telling me how sorry they were that I had to be there under these circumstances, and we deeply appreciated their compassion.
While I was waiting in the recovery room, one of the hospital chaplins came to talk with us. She told us that she had experienced miscarriages in her past and offered us some resources for the grieving process. She also recommended that we name our child. I had been thinking the same thing all week. I decided to discuss it later on with Jameson.
On the way home, we listened to the song "The Lord our God" by Kristian Stanfill. The lyrics deeply resonated with me:
Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what you begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through 'til the end
You see it through 'til the end
The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness, You will lead us
And forever we will say
You're the Lord our God
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good
Yes, we can know You are good
I felt God speaking to my spirit, reminding me that He does indeed finish what He begins, that He provides for us in the desert, and that He sees us through the darkness. Finally, I was reminded that He is still good in the silence, the waiting, and the hurting. Even now, He is good. Always we know He is good. The song remained in my mind all day, and hope was renewed in my heart each time I sang the chorus.
I was extremely groggy from the anesthesia, so I crashed in bed as soon as we got home. I have barely slept at all since I first saw blood on Monday evening, so I was grateful for the much needed sleep. As much as I dreaded the finality of today, I think it gave me some sense of closure and allowed my spirit to finally rest. I believe I slept more soundly and deeply those few hours today than I have in months.
During that deep sleep, my mind conjured up one of the strangest dreams of my entire life (and I have had some doozies). I actually woke up laughing. Jameson had driven our minivan to Cullman to have a new DVD player installed, so I texted the details of the dream to him. I think God knew we both needed a laugh today. Maybe I'll share the dream in another blog post. ;)
My mom had picked up Ayden Grace from day care this afternoon so I could sleep. After I woke up, she called and asked if she and AG could come by and bring me "feel better" prizes. My family is big on retail therapy, so I was thrilled when she walked in with a new outfit (complete with jewelry). She also brought me some strawberry and wedding cake cupcakes from Charlsie's Bakery. Unfortunately, those didn't hang around long enough to be photographed.
My sister Kalin came by a few minutes later, and my Dad followed shortly after. It was really nice just to hang out and laugh with my family.
Jameson got home from Cullman just after everyone left, and we began to discuss a name for our child. We were unable to know the gender of the baby for certain, but we had both sensed it was a girl from the start. We had even jokingly referred to it as a "she" ever since I got a positive pregnancy test. For whatever reason, the name Gabrielle Hope Prater immediately came to mind, but I didn't tell Jameson that. I just casually asked him if he liked the name Gabrielle. Jameson answered that he had always wanted a daughter named Gabrielle or a son named Gabriel. I asked him to choose the middle name. He said, "What do you think of Hope?" I was blown away that he had chosen the exact same name as me, especially because we had never discussed those names during either pregnancy. Furthermore, we almost never agree on baby names. Gabrielle Hope was the perfect name.
So here I am on this Friday evening, so far from where I believed I would be at the start of this week. I know I will never be quite the same again. To say this week has been difficult is a vast understatement, but God was present every step of the way. We know He will continue to give us the grace we need for each new day during this grieving process, and I am so thankful to have this weekend to rest and recharge.
I will close with a verse that is so timely this evening:
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."
--Psalm 61:1-2
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