Grieving What Will Not Be

"Unfortunately, this is not normal. The baby is only measuring six weeks, and I don't detect a heartbeat." My eyes filled with tears as the ultrasound technician asked whether or not I wanted to see my baby. She turned the screen so I could see the outline of my uterus and the very still, lifeless projection of our child. At that moment, I felt lifeless too.

Yesterday, we learned that the tiny baby in my womb was no longer living. Even though it had only been a little over eight weeks of pregnancy, this baby had existed for long before conception as a dream and a prayer. We had been praying for this child for nearly a year.

About this time last year, in April of 2013, I gave birth to my first child, a beautiful daughter named Ayden Grace. The next several weeks were a blur, but I remember the almost immediate longing for another child. My husband Jameson felt the same way. We would laugh about the fact that we were in way over our heads already with our infant daughter, but we couldn't wait to do it all again as soon as possible.

During my follow-up exam with my OBGYN, I asked him when we could potentially try to conceive again. He told me that there was no significant reason to wait, but he recommended that I try to lose my pregnancy weight first. In the next month or so, life took some drastic turns. Jameson was offered a teaching job in Birmingham, so we packed up our little life in Tuscaloosa and headed back to my hometown of Gardendale. We soon bought a house and spent the entire summer renovating it with a group of very talented and hard-working friends while we lived upstairs at my parents' house. Meanwhile, we were still very busy caring for our two month old daughter. In between painting and caulking our house, I was out looking for teaching jobs in the area. I was soon offered one at my former school, Bragg Middle School, teaching 6th grade language and reading. This entire summer of 2013 was the busiest, most chaotic season of life, but we still longed for another baby. It was a crazy dream, but it was very real in both our hearts. 

In the fall of 2013, Jameson and I began to try for another baby. Since we had conceived our daughter the very first month of trying, we were optimistic that we would be expecting again in no time. Unfortunately, that was not the case, and we had several disappointing months with no pregnancies. Still, each month, our hope was renewed, and each night, we prayed again for God to bless us with another child. 

Several weeks ago, I was getting ready for work one morning when I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had no symptoms of pregnancy whatsoever, so I knew it would be a waste of money. I was pretty sure we were looking at another failed cycle, and I thought that confirming my suspicions might give me some closure. When I took the test, I saw only one line in the window. It was another negative. I left the bathroom, got dressed, and returned to the bathroom to straighten my hair. I realized the test was still sitting out. As I picked it up to throw it away, I saw a faint but unmistakable second line. I was pregnant! 

I surprised my husband a few minutes later with the news. He hugged me so tight as happy tears filled our eyes. At last, our prayers were answered. Our family was growing! My heart was instantly full of expectation and anticipation. I could already picture my growing belly, what kind of gender reveal I would plan, the first time I would hold him or her, strolling both of my babies around the zoo in a  double stroller, spending our first Christmas together as a family of four, etc.

I tried my best to keep it a secret, but we did share our good news with a few close family members and friends. As the weeks passed by, I began planning. My parents found us a beautiful crib and changing table. We began discussing baby names, and I ordered several maternity outfits for summer and autumn. This happened to be the same week as fall registration at day care, so I went ahead and filled out a registration form and wrote a deposit check for "Prater Baby #2" in order to secure a spot for our chid. A few more weeks passed, and we decided to go ahead and announce our good news. I made a colorful chalkboard, dressed Ayden Grace in a matching outfit, and set her next to the sign. We posted the pictures to facebook the next day and received hundreds of congratulations. It was a joyful day. 

A day or two later, we began searching for a new vehicle. Ayden Grace's car seat barely fit into Jameson's tiny mustang, so we knew that two car seats never would. We drove to Cullman and purchased a used 8 passenger Toyota Sienna. We had originally earmarked that money for a trip to Europe this summer, but we were thrilled at the change of plans that would lead to our driving home from the hospital as a  family of four. We couldn't wait to fill our new minivan with our babies and their friends. 

That was Thursday, near the end of Spring Break. Monday I went back to work at the school where I teach for a teacher work day. I announced our pregnancy to my principal and vice principals, and everyone congratulated us on our news. After a busy day at work, I came home feeling very fatigued. I never take naps on week days, but this particular afternoon I could not keep my eyes open. I fell into a very deep sleep while watching TV. When I woke a couple of hours later, I went to the restroom and noticed some bleeding. I was alarmed by this, but I figured I was probably overreacting. I called my doctor, and she wanted me to come in first thing in the morning for an ultrasound. Jameson and I prayed together and tried to sleep before waking early Tuesday morning to head to the hospital. 

After two miserable hours in the hospital waiting room, we were called back to the exam room. My doctor did an initial check up and noted that everything seemed normal to her. She thought it was probably nothing to worry about, but she wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure. I was feeling relieved after hearing this, and I believed that we were going to receive great news after all. A few minutes later, the ultrasound technician failed to detect a heartbeat, and we were ushered in to the doctor's private office to discuss our options for the miscarriage. I was utterly devastated. 

I spent the day in a daze. I would weep for several minutes, then feel numb inside, then feel okay, and then feel totally crushed again. I decided to post the bad news on facebook so I wouldn't have to tell our sad story over and over again to those who thought we were expecting. Late in the afternoon, I asked my husband if we could plant a tree in memory of our baby. I needed some way to recognize this little life so that it would not be forgotten or glossed over as just "not meant to be." Jameson loved the idea. After a trip to Lowe's and two exhausting hours of digging (for Jameson) and pulling up roots, we planted a small cherry tree in the quiet spot I had chosen in our back yard. 

The tiny sapling looks more like a stick than a tree right now, but we can't wait to watch it grow and blossom. 

Jameson and I both took today off so we could be together, comfort each other, and hold our baby (which is getting harder and harder to do with this squirmy, energetic 11 month old). I've spent much of today on the phone with the doctor's office and surgical nurse. My D&C procedure has been scheduled for Friday morning at 7:15. I am already dreading it. Even though the baby in my womb is no longer living, I'm not ready to let go of him or her yet. I am savoring these final moments we have to be physically close together, and I am dreading the emptiness and separation that is to come.

My doctor says she is not concerned about my fertility health. She is optimistic about our future childbearing since I already have one healthy pregnancy and birth "under my belt." The hard part is the timeline. We have to wait two complete cycles before we can even begin trying again. I am one of the least patient people I know, so I'm feeling a bit discouraged about this. Still, I know that God is with us. He led us to this crossroads, and He will lead us through it. Perhaps he knows that it is not just my physical body that must heal, but also my damaged heart and spirit.

Many people do not understand what the "big deal" is about a miscarriage. They do not understand that the mother who experiences a miscarriage does not see it as a mistake or something that wasn't meant to be. The mother sees it as her baby, her own flesh, her beloved child. From the very first moment her eyes saw that positive pregnancy test, she saw this baby in her life forever. She and this baby are eternally knit together, and she needs the same support, understanding, and time to grieve as any other person experiencing a loss.

After we got home from the hospital yesterday, I had to take down my cover photo on facebook (see above) announcing our pregnancy. Instead of leaving it blank, I felt compelled to find a word of comfort and encouragement to take its place. I settled on the verse below from Revelation 21:4. One day, my God will wipe every tear from our eyes, and one day He will set everything right in this broken, fallen world. Until then, we can carry our hurts with the knowledge that they are temporary. In His kingdom, there will be no death, no pain, no sickness. We will be healed and whole in the presence of our Love forever. That's a promise that keeps me going today.

I do not write this to make others sad, or, worse, to make them pity me. I write this for me, so that I can process the events of this week and try to make some sense of it all. I also write this for my child, my little angel baby, who DOES matter, and should NOT be forgotten or "gotten over" like a bad day. Finally, I write this for the countless other women who have traveled this journey before me, some of them multiple times and often in later stages of pregnancy. Hearing some of your stories has given me a sense of fellowship and understanding during the loneliest experience of my life. I hope my story can offer the same to you.

DISCLAIMER: I realize that I am incredibly blessed to have one healthy child, and I realize that many people have tried much, much longer to conceive a baby without ever seeing a positive test. Additionally, I know that some have experienced miscarriages much later in pregnancy, and some have even experienced multiple losses. I understand that those women have experienced more difficult situations than mine,  and I truly hurt for them. We all carry our own heartaches and difficulties, but I can only tell the story that is mine.